the label on the plastic windex bottle at work reads: “glass cleaner polish.”  even though i know it means “glass cleaner and polish,” i always wonder, how can you polish glass cleaner?  i picture someone going after some blue liquid with a rag and a little elbow grease, and getting mad when the rag gets all soaked.

on the computer at work, the button for “mayo” is right above the button for “mashed potato,” so every time someone asks me if they can have mashed potatoes instead of rice and i have to punch in “no rice sub mashed,” it comes up “no rice sub mayo,” and i have to catch the kitchen before they wonder why i want them to glob mayonnaise all over the plate next to the poblano chicken.

the bartender at work has a tattoo of the state of texas on his left arm, and he swears that when he was getting it he didn’t notice that the texas was backwards.

one of the daily chores at work is to pour half-empty bottles of ketchup into other half-empty bottles of ketchup to make full bottles of ketchup.  on the sidework sheet, it’s listed as “marry ketchups,” and whenever i have to do it, i pretend like i’m performing the wedding ceremony.  do you, ketchup, take you, ketchup, to be your lawfully wedded condiment? i think to myself as i pour from one bottle to another.  sometimes you can use just one half-empty bottle of ketchup to fill two partially-empty bottles, and then it’s ketchup infidelity.  a ketchup affair.  ketchups in bed with other ketchups.  dogs and cats living together.  mass hysteria!

we are still having technical difficulties with this new design.  please do not stand by.  give me feedback instead, okay?  okay.