radvent day 7: playing

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Day 7: What were your favorite games as a child? What did you like to do with your classmates or the neighborhood kids? How did that affect the person you grew to become?

(Okay, obviously I’m not doing all of these, so we can go ahead and get that out of the way. So far I’ve been fine picking and choosing which ones inspire me, and I’ll continue to do that.)

I remember doing a ton of reading and writing as a child. Even in elementary school I spent lots of time in my room writing silly poems. My sister and I also did a lot of drawing, I think–we had this card table that we kept by the fireplace in the living room, and we’d always draw there.  And after church every Sunday my parents would take us to the local bookstore where we’d stock up on Baby-Sitters Club or whatever for the month.

My mom was always buying art & craft supplies. We had all sorts of finger paints and poster paints and play-dough and stuff. And I think that’s what we did when friends came over. I remember making things with friends a lot. Oh, and board games–tons and tons of board games.

I think it’s obvious how all this reflects who I am today–cerebral, creative, and unlikely to be found outdoors!

radvent day 4: forgiveness

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Day 4: It’s hard to come out of a place of resentment, and it takes practice (just like everything). Practice forgiving about small, everyday things. You can always non-forgive later. Who and what are you ready to let go of resentment toward?

I’m pretty good at forgiving people who ask for it.  Someone says they’re sorry and means it, I’m all about saying, I appreciate that, it’s cool, we’re all good. I grew up in a family where we’d admit when we were wrong, or if we didn’t think we were wrong, we’d say, I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I’m sorry I did.

And that’s why I have trouble with people who don’t apologize for things, who think that to say they’re sorry is to admit weakness. If you hurt me but don’t tell me you’re sorry in some small way, how do I know you care about my feelings? How do I know you’ll try not to hurt me again?

So. I don’t carry a lot of grudges, and the ones I do carry fade after a few years. That guy I broke up with in 2002 that I wished had never existed? I hardly ever think about him. The friend with whom I had a falling-out in 1998? Eh. It’s been so long, I never see or interact with them in any way, so it’s easy to let that shit go.

There’s one grudge I still hold, though, against an old ex who lied to me, became sort of yell-y when I discovered the lies, and then began breaking into my email account several times a day to check for who knows what (thank you, Gmail Last Account Activity feature for allowing me to find out about this!). Try as I might, I can’t forgive on this one. I just can’t. Any advice?

radvent day 3

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(Day 2 was about organizing something, but dudes. I am so organized. Look at my craft area:

craft area

Most of those boxes are labeled with what’s inside, and this area is even more organized now than when this photo was taken. So, I didn’t do yesterday’s Radvent.)

Radvent day 3: Write a letter of love to yourself to read in one year.

Dear Alison,

I know you know this, but you need to remember it: you are not supposed to be doing anything in particular with your life. Take care of your physical and mental health and your responsibilities, and make enough money to support yourself, and that’s it. You’re not supposed to do anything else. If you want to spend your free time working on something, that’s cool. If you want to spend your free time knitting while watching the same episodes of Better Off Ted over and over again, that’s cool too. Do not beat yourself up for it.  You are doing fine, and there’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re making a lot of plans for the upcoming year, and of course I don’t know how they’ve turned out. But regardless of how they’ve turned out, you need to remember how it felt to have something to plan for, something to look forward to, something to work towards. It’s a really exciting feeling, and it doesn’t have anything to do with the success or failure of whatever the plan is. Don’t forget it.

This year you have been avoiding letting your fear of failure stop you from trying things. That hasn’t paid off in a tangible sense yet, but it’s helped you to think of yourself as a person who deserves good things. You try your best, and it doesn’t work out, but hey, your best was much better than you thought you could do. Try again next time!

Anyway, keep that up too. And be nice to your mom.

-A