all of which occurred last night:

1.  i was in prison.  i don’t remember anything else about it.  but i was in prison, and that’s all it took to make the dream a bad one.  they’re not taking me back there alive, i swear to god.  the other day i bought chicago on dvd, and i couldn’t even watch it because they were in prison.  also, you know how you can look at someone through the tines of a fork and say, “hey!  you’re in prison!”  not that funny.

2.  andy came back from his tour and decided that he hated me.  he came over and took all the coffee out of my freezer.

3.  i secretly dated arnold schwarzenegger.  we had to date secretly because he didn’t want his wife to find out.  but when i nominated someone else for an oscar (in the dream world, i could apparently nominate people for oscars.  god, wouldn’t that be awesome?  philip seymour hoffman would be for your consideration every day of the week) instead of him, he got so angry that i had to hide out at my sister’s to avoid getting pummeled by his great ugly meat-fists.  later, on an airplane, i overheard him badmouthing me to a couple of starlets.  “she was kind of stupid and ugly,” he said, surprisingly without an accent.  i was really hurt.

today, there was a chicken in the mints.