It feels weird to slink back here after two years of not writing. Really weird. I guess I’m not slinking since it’s my domain and I pay for it and administer it, but I feel like I’ve broken up with bluishorange and now I’ve come crawling back. So, slink I shall. Come back, please, baby, I was wrong.
I have a job now, and Maude’s still alive. Those are the two relevant updates. My job is that I make jewelry full-time for a designer here in Austin. It’s a good time–I make things all day and listen to audiobooks. Or sometimes I make things and watch Firefly. Either way.
Maude is on her last legs, I think. She’s got arthritis and kidney disease, and I’m about to start giving her glucosamine for the former and subcutaneous fluids for the latter. She’s thirteen years old, the same age as bluishorange. She seems to be pain-free and in good spirits, though, so I’m glad she’s still around. At the moment she’s curled up next to me asleep, which is as it should be.
I was unemployed for nearly a year. This affected me in the obvious financial ways, but it also affected me in some emotional ways that haven’t healed yet, and may not for some time. Eleven months of constant rejection got me used to rejection, which is valuable, but it also wore me down and got me to expect very little from anything in my life. Expecting practically nothing is great if you want to be surprised, but isn’t great if you want to move forward or achieve anything.
Right now I’m going through one of my OH GOD WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN phases. It feels a lot like a midlife crisis, which is probably accurate. As an atheist, my answer to WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN should technically be NOTHING IT MEANS NOTHING, but it’s not that simple. Does anything I do make a positive difference? How can I make more of a positive difference? What do I bring to the world that nobody else can? Those thoughts are enough to make a girl drink a bottle of wine every night, but, uh, I don’t do that anymore.
Tonight while I was driving home from a party, I listened to the first track from the new Tegan and Sara album on repeat. I love the way the verses sort of melt into the chorus, almost like they’re overlapping.
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