hallelujah, tuna salad

I go through these phases where I come up with a new phrase I think is funny, and I use it as much as I can until I get tired of it, and then the cycle begins anew once I come up with another phrase.

Lately, when someone talks about a food I don’t like, I say, “Oh, no, mall pretzels are the devil!” or “Sandwich pickles are of the devil!”  And the converse: “Dill pickles were made by God himself!” or “Chocolate doughnuts are from Jesus.” Despite the fact that I don’t believe in God or the devil or Jesus, I still say these things, and for the next few weeks at least I will find them hilarious.

When this particular new set of phrases is combined with my very, very picky eating habits, I end up using them a lot, so much so that my friend Josh demanded to see a list of foods that are the devil.  I’ve been trying to think of everything, but this list is in no way complete:

sweet hamburger buns
sandwich pickles
mall pretzels
mayonnaise (except in tuna salad or similar)
improperly sliced bar fruits that are not conducive to squeezing into a drink
sea urchin eggs
corn (except cornbread)
uncooked onions, especially on sandwiches
chicken fried steak
chili not cooked by my dad or the restaurant I used to work in (though this is technically moot because both of those chilis contain meat and as such I can’t eat either one anymore)
various fried items
mystery casseroles
Chinese food
bananas and all banana-flavored and banana-related things
coconut (except as a cocktail flavoring)
fake cheese ballpark nachos
pickle relish (except in tuna salad)
cake items that are not chocolate-based
doughnuts that are not chocolate-based
pickled ginger that comes with sushi
cooked bell peppers
white bread
canadian bacon as breakfast item or pizza topping
raw celery (except in tuna salad, and then it has to be chopped TINY)
buffalo wings not cooked by Jessica’s dad (though again, I can’t eat even those anymore)

17 thoughts on “hallelujah, tuna salad

  1. That… is an odd list of foods. But I’m with you on all things banana.

    Sea urchin eggs? When and how did that ever even come up as a possibility? Is that a sushi thing?

    Doughnuts though… it’s empirically proven that the best doughnuts ever are chocolate-covered plain cake doughnuts with coconut on top. Proven WITH SCIENCE. You, my friend, are Missing Out.

  2. Just use celery seed instead. All (not really all) of the celery flavor, none of the jesus what is this bitter stringy shit in my egg salad.

  3. I will have to agree. Chicken fried steak is the devil. I don’t know who came up with it. BLAH!

    You know what is really fun, wait until someone says something anything.. When they are done, say Liar! But you can’t laugh. The look on thier face is priceless. I would not try it with a stranger though:)

  4. thanks for the list. you know what would be the worst? going to a party and finding all those things at once. that would be a really random party.

  5. Philos: I ate them at Uchi (Austin’s best sushi restaurant) once. They looked like spray foam, and dammit, they tasted like spray foam. Or at least what I imagine spray foam tastes like.

    Shaun: Interesting. I do love Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda, so maybe it IS the stringiness to which I’m opposed.

    Josh: Now I know what you guys are going to do for my birthday next year. Celery bananas and mystery casseroles, nacho-cheese style! Yay!

  6. Josh: Now I know what you guys are going to do for my birthday next year. Celery bananas and mystery casseroles, nacho-cheese style! Yay!

    This was totally what I was thinking…’doh!

    I’m with you on a lot of these…namely f-ing celery…which is the worst tasting shit on the planet…but what is about tuna that can make all bad things good? I don’t think even tuna could make beets better though…

  7. Philos: sea urchin eggs (ie, roe) are usually referred to as uni on sushi menus.

    Alison: Am I having selective amnesia regarding your vegetarianism (or pescatarianism, evidently)? I could swear we have partaken of the meat together in the past.

  8. Andrew, we have indeed partaken of the meat! We have also consumed much hearty grog while witnessing the many public hangings and floggings.

    I went pescetarian in April, largely because of my feelings about American meat production. I’d have given up fish, too, but sushi’s my very favorite food in the world, so there’s no way I could keep myself from eating it.

    Except for uni, of course.

  9. Yes, but I’m not in the habit of it. I told my mom that if she gets an organic, free-range turkey for Thanksgiving I’ll eat it.

  10. Free range chicken generally means the chicken is actually allowed to move outside of a one-foot cube; it very, very rarely means that it is a healthy or happy chicken, or that it actually spends any significant time wandering around outside being a chicken. If you want to eat responsibly raised chicken, check out local growers in your area.

  11. Oh, that was in response to Philos. I don’t know anything about free-range turkey and the definitions for that. Turkeys are pretty different animals, so I think it would be slightly different. Your mom could check here and see if there’s anyone conveniently located selling turkeys. Probably end up with a much tastier one that way.

  12. But I still stand corrected, because now I’m NOT going to eat free-range unhealthy chickens.

    That website has a google map of all the farms and ranches around St. Louis. Awesome, thanks!

  13. Well, I buy my meat at the local co-op market, and the chicken at least comes from local farms, although I haven’t investigated to find out just how free the free-range is, so to speak.

  14. I, too, am a great user of “is the devil.” I also favor “is a work against the Lord.” Eggs of any fish, or indeed anything overly gelatinous that is not actual jello (I’m looking at you, flan), fall into this category.

Comments are closed.