sometimes, when there are a million things i could be doing if i could only muster the energy, when i’ve been wearing the same clothes for two days, when i can’t seem to call anyone back no matter how guilty i feel about it, when it’s a beautiful day but i haven’t left the house to experience it so i feel guilty about that too, when i’ve been sitting on the couch for so long even the dog is tired of it, i wonder where i’d be in life if i wasn’t so depressed.

(well, i’d definitely be happier. *rimshot*)

seriously, though, what would it be like? would i be living in a city i like, with an awesome web-design job and a great group of friends to hang out with? would i be in grad school? would i have sent my writing off to places other than my own website?

(“or maybe i’d be dead.“)

for the past five years i’ve been wanting to take this trip, and i’ve been preparing for it a bit over the past six months. my parents expressed concern, and suggested that i stay where i am and work on my condition. what’s the point of doing that? i thought. i’m going to have this condition for the rest of my life, and if i spend that life coddling myself because of it, i’ll never do anything at all.

but lately i’ve been wondering if they might be right, though not in the way they think. you see, when i say i’ve been preparing for this trip, i haven’t been doing much at all. i haven’t drawn up a budget, i haven’t formulated concrete plans, i haven’t figured out what to do about my apartment and car. perhaps most importantly, i haven’t really saved any money. it’s not that i don’t think these things are necessary or want to do them, it’s just that i can’t. sometimes i come home from work or wake up on a saturday morning and it’s all i can do not to couch or shop or internet myself into a coma instead of making any real strides towards getting this trip to happen.

the only things i have done are the negative things: i’m not going to sign a year-long lease on my apartment, i’m not going to commit to my job past march. but what will i do if march comes around and i’m not ready?

i guess i’d sit back down on the couch.

(just now i had the fleeting idea that i should start a weblog about depression, for other depressed people. but i’d probably never update it.)