1) when the tv tells me that a movie is going to “make me believe.” believe in what? who? why? i refuse to buy into the idea that a christmas movie will give me a reason to live.
2) when i’m playing with maude in the living room and i throw one of her treats so that she’ll go fetch it, but it bounces off the carpet at a funny angle and smacks her in the forehead. sorry, dog.
3) tonight, the night before thanksgiving, is the biggest bar night of the year and i am not at a bar. i should be at a bar!
4) all three members of my immediate family are out of town for the holidays, which means that the following things will suck:
a) i will not get to make my annual drive to my parents’ house while listening to alice’s restaurant.
b) i will not get to sit at the kitchen table and rip hamburger buns into tiny little bits to put in the dressing. this is my usual thanksgiving job, and i am good at it.
c) i will not get to have the gravy my mom makes on thanksgiving. if i had to choose between the gravy and liquid gold, i’d probably hesitate.
d) once when i was little my dad’s side of the family came to our house for christmas. we were sitting at the table after christmas dinner, talking about what each one of us thought heaven would be like. i can’t remember why we were having this discussion, but we were, and it was pretty interesting because everyone had a different theory. anyway there was a lull in the conversation, and then my aunt joan blew her nose into a tissue and said, “well, mine’s green, what color’s yours?” it took us a second to realize that she was talking about heaven and not whatever substance she’d just blown out of her nose. we’ve made snot jokes at every thanksgiving and christmas dinner since. this year if i make a snot joke nobody will get it, and everyone will think i’m gross.
5) when the tv tells me that, in an upcoming episode, the characters in a television drama “may lose one of their own.” one of their own what? and what do you mean, may? you wouldn’t have said it if they weren’t going to kill someone off. also, who cares? your show sucks.