hallelujah, tuna salad

I go through these phases where I come up with a new phrase I think is funny, and I use it as much as I can until I get tired of it, and then the cycle begins anew once I come up with another phrase.

Lately, when someone talks about a food I don’t like, I say, “Oh, no, mall pretzels are the devil!” or “Sandwich pickles are of the devil!”  And the converse: “Dill pickles were made by God himself!” or “Chocolate doughnuts are from Jesus.” Despite the fact that I don’t believe in God or the devil or Jesus, I still say these things, and for the next few weeks at least I will find them hilarious.

When this particular new set of phrases is combined with my very, very picky eating habits, I end up using them a lot, so much so that my friend Josh demanded to see a list of foods that are the devil.  I’ve been trying to think of everything, but this list is in no way complete:

sweet hamburger buns
sandwich pickles
mall pretzels
mayonnaise (except in tuna salad or similar)
improperly sliced bar fruits that are not conducive to squeezing into a drink
sea urchin eggs
corn (except cornbread)
uncooked onions, especially on sandwiches
chicken fried steak
chili not cooked by my dad or the restaurant I used to work in (though this is technically moot because both of those chilis contain meat and as such I can’t eat either one anymore)
various fried items
mystery casseroles
Chinese food
bananas and all banana-flavored and banana-related things
coconut (except as a cocktail flavoring)
fake cheese ballpark nachos
pickle relish (except in tuna salad)
cake items that are not chocolate-based
doughnuts that are not chocolate-based
pickled ginger that comes with sushi
cooked bell peppers
white bread
canadian bacon as breakfast item or pizza topping
raw celery (except in tuna salad, and then it has to be chopped TINY)
buffalo wings not cooked by Jessica’s dad (though again, I can’t eat even those anymore)