why do you overestimate the size of the lie?

My recent dreams come with vivid background music.  A few weeks back I dreamt that my friend Kari and I were on our way to meet B at the movies, and Ani DiFranco’s “32 Flavors” was playing on the car stereo.  We both sang along for the whole song, in real-time.  The other night Mike Doughty’s “Rising Sign”* was playing in the background while something or other dreamlike happened, I can’t remember what.  But the song was very real.

Two days ago someone wrote me an e-mail that contained the following sentence: “Nostalgia, for me, is as deadly as heroin.”  When I read this, I knew exactly what it meant.  Too often I become so mired in my own past that nothing happening presently is as good/bad as what happened before.  It’s dangerous in the sense that it prevents me from enjoying what’s happening presently, and renders me unable to view what happened before in an accurate light.

When I am thus mired (or mired in any swamp of negative thought as I’ve been lately), it becomes important to remember the following things:

I am not what my friends think of me.

I am not what I think my friends might think of me.

I am not my friends.

I am not my ex-boyfriends.

I am not my boyfriend.

I am not what anyone I used to know used to think of me or thinks of me now.

I am not anyone I used to know.

I am not the way I look.

I am not how much I weigh.

I am not what anyone says about me.

*Which I’m now playing on repeat, and I don’t know why.

musical voyeurism

For no reason at all, here are the top 35 most-played songs on my iTunes at work.  I wish I were still the kind of person who uploaded mp3 files of all these songs for you, but I’m not.  You should really look into Helvetia, though.

Broken Social Scene – Hotel
Cary Brothers – Canada
Helvetia – Beezlebub
Helvetia – Gladness (Is In the Heart)
Helvetia – Summer
Interpol – PDA
Liz Phair – Shane
Magnetic Fields – Two Characters in Search of a Country Song
The National – Fake Empire
The National – Mistaken for Strangers
The New Pornographers – Myriad Harbour
The Pixies – Bone Machine
The Pixies – Holiday Song
Rogue Wave – Harmonium
Rogue Wave – Like I Needed
Rogue Wave – Chicago x 12
Rogue Wave – Lake Michigan
Rogue Wave – Ghost
Rogue Wave – Sewn Up
The Sea and Cake – Up on Crutches
The Sea and Cake – Too Strong
The Sea and Cake – Crossing Line
The Sea and Cake – Middlenight
The Sea and Cake – Coconut
The Sea and Cake – Exact to Me
The Sea and Cake – Lightning
Shout out Louds – Blue Headlights
Shout out Louds – Normandie
Stars – My Favourite Book
Stars – The Ghost of Genova Heights
Sun Kil Moon – Lily and Parrots
Sun Kil Moon – Carry Me Ohio
Tegan and Sara – Back in Your Head
Wolf Parade – Grounds for Divorce
Wolf Parade – Shine a Light