1. Last week I bought one of those digital-tv converter boxes so I can still watch Lost* after my television has become obsolete. This week I checked my mail and found the $40-off coupon for said box, which coupon I requested a month ago. If I were 45 years older and a lot crankier I’d take that coupon to Target and ask the returns desk to give me forty dollars. Then after they refused to give me forty dollars, I’d write a stern letter to the digital-tv converter box people and ask THEM to give me forty dollars.
But I’m 30 and not very cranky, so I’m not going to do any of that stuff. Instead I’m just going to pretend that coupon doesn’t exist, as is my custom with all such things I’m too lazy to do.
2. Freebirds, what is the point of selling me this chocolate-chip cookie if I can’t open it. If I were 45 years older and a lot crankier I’d drive back over to your store and demand a different cookie, or my money back.**
3. I do not like spending the Friday before Valentine’s Day in an office setting. My coworkers get flowers, and I say, ooh, sweet, you got flowers, and they say thanks! And I feel like they’re thinking,*** I bet she wishes SHE’d gotten flowers.
What they don’t know is that I do not, in fact, wish I’d gotten flowers. I’m not into Valentine’s Day at all, and in fact I told my potential flower-giver that while I’m glad we’ll be hanging out on the 14th doing whatever it is we usually do, I am not interested in gifts or cards or plants or edibles of any kind, thank you.****
But there’s no polite way to dispel their hypothetical thoughts without sounding weird or going off on an unnecessary and impolite tirade about how lame V-Day is. So instead I just say ooh, sweet, you got flowers, and then walk back to my desk and put my headphones on.
4. The other day I was heard to remark, “Is it possible that I love my dog too much?” For those of you who think that it’s possible, I invite you to look upon her and tell me you don’t love her a bit too much, too:
She’ll be approximately nine in April, which will also mark her five-year anniversary of being my dog. I think she looks much happier now than she did five years ago, don’t you?
*Also Dollhouse! Dollhouse comes on tonight!
**I got it open, though, aren’t you glad?
****I said it nicer than this.