i thought my life would be different somehow

I turn thirty-one tomorrow. Tonight I vacuumed my apartment, washed the dishes, dusted the furniture, dyed my hair, painted my toenails, and put all my clothes away. I was thinking about what it was like when I was a kid and I would always feel different on my birthday.  I would wake up on May 6 feeling as though some subtle thing about me had changed overnight. I wasn’t nine anymore, I was ten, and that meant something.

I miss that feeling. Maybe waking up to a clean apartment and pretty red toenails is the next best thing.

These days I have a hard time focusing on the good things in my life. I have a great apartment, an adorable dog, good friends and family, a job, a car that works, a city in which I finally feel at home. I can make almost anything that doesn’t involve welding or a saw, my hair looks great, and sushi is readily available.  These are things I need to remember.

Oh, nine-year-old website, what will I do with you?

15 thoughts on “i thought my life would be different somehow

  1. Happy Birthday!

    I know what you mean. I turned 24 last week. The night before I stayed up too late and wrote an embarassing blog entry about everything I had done on my last day of being 23. For the last few weeks I’ve been absorbed thinking back to when life was good and fulfilling (high school for me) and how being an “adult” is terribly dull. Where are you left when everyone has kids, is satisfied where they are and don’t dream of more?

    So anyways, go eat all the sushi you can handle and flirt with the sushi chef. It’s your birthday. Make it memorable for you alone.

  2. Happy Birthday! I know what you’re saying. I just turned 31 on May 1st and it was the most anti-climactic feeling. Treat yourself to sushi…that’s what I did :)

  3. Several things:

    #1: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’m so very glad you were born.

    #2: If I found you a web job in Seattle, would you move? Cuz I can work on that.

    #3: In a weird way, making my blog private changed my life. My therapist can tell you more. :)

  4. Birthdays have been pretty anticlimactic since 21. I imagine 31 is doubly so since 31 doesn’t feel like a major year. But it is still an excuse for cake, and internet felicitations.

  5. I know what you mean. I am 29 years old, married and have a 19 month old son. I got laid off as an engineer in January and now I build fences for a living and worry about covering every day expenses.

    This is not how I thought life would turn out.

    I just hope every day that things will get better and that in 10 years I will see all this as an exercise in character building.

    BTW back in 2003 I stumbled on to this blog and have been reading it ever since. I initially started reading it because your life seemed to be messed up and it was an interesting read. Time has passed and from your posting things seem to have stabilized – that seems worth celebrating. Happy Birthday.

  6. Yes, you do have an awful lot going for you. You have your health, too, I suppose. That is a huge thing. I am 40 now but when I was your age my health started declining rapidly. It took 6 years to finally get the diagnosis–Lyme Disease. I am on IV antibiotics now and my health is improving. But my marriage failed, I lost my house, my job (I’m on SSDI)and am in debt from medical bills and am currently residing at my sister’s, sleeping on her couch.

    Please count your blessings each day. Don’t take it for granted. It could all be gone quickly. Savor and enjoy each day. I still do, as I know it could be worse. I could be homeless or without access to medical care. I am getting better and turn my life around.

    To people in their late 20s/early 30s, please don’t judge your life so harshly. You’re just getting started. Your life hasn’t “turned out” any which way. When you’re on your death bed you can reflect on your life and see how it “turned out”.

  7. Even though I’m 13 days late, happy birthday.

    I would be e-mailing you, telling you this, but I can’t figure out your contact information. Maybe I’m just dumb. Anyways, Stumble usually gives me weird blogs, but I like yours and wanted to say something nice. There are certain people I’ve met/read about that have a way with words. Not like, shakespeare, but simplicity in a sophisticated form. does that make sense? Anyhoo, you seem cool, and you remind me of my geometry teacher. He’s pretty awesome.

    As for this post: I’m probably not a very good source of infinite knowledge, but this is my 15-year-old advice. People get older, and the little things become less and less significant. but then things emerge that make life great, like babies and traveling to foreign places. I’m not really sure how to make a conclusion to this, but I hope you find some inspiration.

  8. As with the person above me, I just wanted to say that I was pleasantly surprised to stumble onto your blog. It stands out and is a rather nice read. Keep it up and you’ll find your life is a more fulfilling one than most enjoy. ;)

  9. Hey, just wanted to wish you a belated ‘Happy Birthday!’ My 31st was on the 4th of May, and I know exactly what you are talking about. Birthdays used to be a magical day, but the magic has faded. Last year, I was all bummed out about turning 30, and then a couple weeks before my birthday, a friend of mine passed away. She never had the chance to be 30…totally changed my outlook on birthdays. I am thankful for each one because it is another year God has granted me with my family and friends. Hope you had a great one!

  10. “To people in their late 20s/early 30s, please don’t judge your life so harshly. You’re just getting started.”

    If only that were true. Two of my closest friends have died over the past 5 years, one 31 and the other 35. You simply never know where you’re the finish line is, or how much time you have left. And it’s good to remember that. Believing that you have 40 years left is hopeful, and possible, but not guaranteed.

    It’s good to plan for the future, but my goal is to be happy NOW. Because now is all I have and all I’m promised.

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