i know i’ve been neglecting you lately, and i’m sorry about that. it’s just that i’ve been really busy, and a lot of things are happening, and i haven’t been able to find much time for you. i have missed you, though. you’ve been in my life longer than almost anyone i know, and i don’t want to take you for granted. so i’d like to tell you what’s been going on with me.
for the past week i’ve been housesitting for some friends. they’re on a family vacation and have left their charming house, two cars, and lovable dog in my care. they think i’m doing them a favor, but really they’re doing one for me, as i’ve found the change of scenery refreshing. as soon as i arrived at the house i unpacked all my things and put them in their proper places–clothes in the closet, laptop in the living room, shoes at the foot of the bed, toiletries in the bathroom. then i straightened up and cleaned the kitchen and bathrooms. it was more cleaning and nesting than i’ve done in months, and it felt really good to make the place feel like my own.
when i packed for the housesitting, i threw in everything i thought i might need (and even a few things i might not need), because i wanted to avoid having to go back for anything but the mail. it’s impossible to anticipate everything, though, so i did have to go back once. the first time i pulled up into my usual parking space, i couldn’t make myself go inside. instead i sat in the car thinking about how it isn’t really my apartment, but it isn’t our apartment anymore because there isn’t an us anymore, so i guess now it’s just the apartment. anyway, i couldn’t go in.
the second time i went, i managed to get myself up the stairs and through the door into the apartment, where i ran smack into an anxiety attack. do you know what anxiety attacks feel like, website? i’ve had a whole lot of them over the past few weeks, so i know them pretty well. though this may sound a bit nebulous, the best way i can describe an anxiety attack is to say that it makes my whole body feel like static–radio static and tv static and static electricity all together. my breath gets fast and i can’t stop shaking and my brain won’t focus on anything besides the breathing and shaking. the worst ones last for hours at a time, and there’s nothing i can do to get rid of them that won’t render me unable to function.
so i was trying to calm down and trying to get the things i came for, and i kept stepping over boxes and boxes and piles of stuff that was mine and stuff that wasn’t mine and stuff that wasn’t anybody’s, and it was hot and stuffy and sad and strange and i got out of there as fast as i could. i didn’t feel better until i got back to the house.
as of saturday the house won’t be mine anymore, either, so i don’t know what i’m going to do then. suck it up, i guess.
also my best friend went to europe for the summer, my sister went to brazil for six months, and my parents moved away to another state. my childhood home is for sale, if anyone out there wants to buy it.
everything is changing, website. i’ll try to keep you posted.