letters to people i’ll probably never see again *

dear a)
at least, i’m pretty sure i’ll never see you again.  it makes me sad, because i think you might know me better than almost anyone else out there.  it may not matter now, but i’m really sorry i hurt you.

dear b)
we had our falling-out almost nine years ago, and i still miss you.  a lot.  i think that if one of us had done things just a little bit differently, we might still be friends today.  i often wonder if you’re happy, if you’re where you want to be in life.  i also think about how good it would feel to be more successful than you.
hey, i never said i was mature.

dear c)
remember when i wasn’t ready to sleep with you on our second date and you told me you were “used to the wham, bam, thank you, ma’am”?  that was awesome.

dear d)
remember when we met for drinks and you said, “do you think of me as a friend or as more than a friend?” and i said, “a friend,” because that’s what i thought we were, and you said, “alison, i’m a horny guy, and i only get one night off a week,” thereby indicating that you were only spending time with me because you thought we were going to have sex?  that was even MORE awesome.

dear e)
i still resent your apparent decision to stop being my friend so you could spend more time hooking up with girls.  i still get angry when i think about the time we ran into each other at a bar and you were rude to me because you didn’t want the girl you were there with to think you had too many female friends.  you were my BEST FRIEND.  and i MISS YOU.

dear f)
the number of dreams i’ve had about you is much, much larger than the number of times we’ve actually seen one another.  i don’t know why this is.  maybe it means we’re meant to run into each other again.  if that ever happens, please disregard this letter.

dear g)
you were sweet and strange and interesting and smart, you made me laugh, and you always knew what i was talking about.  i hope someday we can walk through the streets of a big city together.  if that ever happens, please disregard this letter.

dear h)
for a first love, you weren’t half bad.  i didn’t think it was funny at the time, but eight years later i find it HILARIOUS that you called to break up with me at 7:29 pm on a sunday, just as the simpsons credits rolled.  don’t let dumping your girlfriend get in the way of a new episode, eh?

dear i) and j)
there are two reasons i haven’t kept in touch with you:
1) i’m not very good at it.
2) when things in my life don’t go well, the last thing i want to do is talk about it.
which is a shame because i know you would have listened and empathized and not judged me at all.  i wish we still knew each other.

dear k)
i’d never have done anything about it because it would have been bad for both of us, but i was always, always a little bit in love with you.

* i wrote this in my head four months ago, during a ben folds show.  something about seeing live music makes me think weird thoughts and write them down in my head.