the what-ifs

i got a job doing web stuff for a school, so i’m moving to austin to live with ryan.  on friday.  that’s awfully soon, isn’t it?  (yes.)

here’s the funny thing: my sister moved into a new apartment in austin last weekend, but she didn’t realize she needed to give her old place sixty days notice.  that wouldn’t be very funny in and of itself, but since ryan and i are moving anyway, we’re just going to sublet her place for two months.  which i guess is the funny part.  anyway it’s a really nice two-bedroom, two-bathroom, and i’m excited about staying there.  too bad we can’t afford to just move in, but it’s a bit out of our price range.

since there’s no point in paying a pet deposit for just sixty days in an apartment, maude will be staying with my parents for two months.  i thought about just sneaking her in at megan’s place, but it’s a six-hundred dollar fine if we get caught, so it’s not a good idea to risk it.

so i spend my days packing.  and packing.  and packing.  i’ve filled at least twenty boxes with my stuff, five garbage bags with trash, and four garbage bags with things to take to goodwill, and i’m still not even close to being done.  where did all this stuff come from?  why do i need it all?  why can’t i throw it away?

i spend my nights worrying.  i can’t sleep much, so i just stay awake and watch old episodes of buffy and listen to the what-ifs.

what if i don’t have time to get everything done before i leave?

what if i don’t like my job?  what if i’m not any good at it?  what if the other kids don’t like me?

what if i don’t like my job but i keep it anyway and spend the rest of my life doing boring web stuff, never moving on to anything better?

what if i don’t make any friends?  what if i do make friends but they turn out to be vampires?  what if they’re not the good kind of vampires?

what if, after two months of living with my parents, maude doesn’t want to stay with me anymore?

what if the wifi doesn’t work?

what if i can’t live with another person?  what if it’s too weird and i can’t breathe or relax or ever be alone?  what if ryan comes home and finds me clipping my toenails on the couch and thinks i’m too gross to live with?  what if ryan’s too gross to live with?

what if we get bored with each other?

what if nobody does the dishes?  what if nobody ever does the dishes and we end up having a dish standoff, where neither of us wants to break down and do the dishes so we’re each seeing how long the other person can stand looking at all the mold and slime and maggots stuck to the plates in the sink?

what if we run out of money and can’t afford to do anything besides drink tap water and have staring contests?

what if i eat all of ryan’s junk food and gain 500 pounds?

what if none of it works out?