1. they had a christmas tree display outside the grocery store. above the display there was a big sign that said “THE FRESHEST TREES IN TOWN!” with a spanish translation below it: “Arboles de Navidad Frescas.” at first glance i thought it said assholes instead of arboles. so if any of you need to know where to find some fresh christmas assholes, let me know.
2. the hallway in my apartment building has always been a total mess. it looks like a horror movie to begin with, but it looks even worse when it’s strewn with bicycles, abandoned furniture, discarded mail, and general garbage. the other day there was an old ironing board by the back door, with an attached note from my downstairs neighbor asking “does this ironing board belong to anyone? if not, can i have it?” in both english and spanish. the ironing board is gone now, so i guess she claimed it.
someone just moved out of the apartment across from mine, and a crew of maintenance workers was in there painting, replacing the carpet, drilling holes in things, leaving sawdust on the ground. when they left a piece of particleboard leaning against the wall in the hallway last week, i barely noticed it. it was thick and round, about the size of a very small tabletop, with the edges painted black. every time i opened my front door and saw it sitting there i’d vaguely wonder what it was, but then i’d walk by and forget about it. the horror movie hallway’s always full of useless junk.
but today someone turned the piece of particleboard around so that the other side was facing out. when i opened my door and saw it, i gasped. it wasn’t a tabletop. it was a dartboard. a fucking dartboard. the best dartboard i’ve ever seen outside of tournament night at the harp.
and i totally claimed it.