a couple of false starts:

sometime after the bad red wine at the greek festival, after changing into a dress and boots for the show, after the hoegaarden and oktoberfest and dancing and singing and yelling, after seeing janeane garofalo having a beer on the patio, after throwing up bad red wine, after squishing three people into the front seat of a car and a whole set of drums into the back, i became the chip annihilator.

i don’t know what made me do it.  sitting there in the crowded taqueria with six of my closest friends, i ate my shrimp tacos in relative calm (relative calm for me means yelling at everyone across the table, yelling ” hey jonas!” at one of ryan‘s friends across the restaurant).  when i finished, though, i got bored.  mike and megan were talking about the jukebox, trina was unbuttoning her pants after eating too much torta, daniel was laughing at something amy and chris were saying, andy was eating his quesadilla in relative calm (relative calm for andy means not saying anything at all).


i do this thing, sometimes.  usually i do it when i’m doing something i’ve been looking forward to for awhile, or when something unexpected and good happens.  at parties, at concerts, on vacation, things like that, i'[ll step back in my head and think, “now is now, and it’ll never be now again.”  it’s always that exact phrase: now is now, and it’ll never be now again.  i do it, i think, to make a sort of mental recording of the fleeting moments when i am content, really and truly okay.  i remember a mailbox on a dead-end street in onset, massachusetts, as seen from the passenger seat of ryan‘s granada.  i remember hot edamame with salt at a sushi restaurant.  i remember playing word games on the subway in new york, laughing, looking across the car at an advertisement on the wall.  i remember the grass at stonehenge.

i remember sitting in the front seat of jessica‘s volkswagen, driving back home after a long, tiring night in downtown dallas.  jessica was flipping through the cds in her car changer.  three of them were doves, which i’d never heard before.  “play the one that sounds like ‘werewolves of london’!” billy yelled from the backseat.  jessica


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