“hey, are you hungry?” he asks, jumping out of bed and heading for the door.
“yes!” i say, getting up to follow.
“i’m going to make you an omelette,” he says, “is that okay?”
we go to the kitchen, where everything is stainless steel and there are cats everywhere. i sit down on the steps to watch him cook. he goes to the refrigerator and takes out some broccoli, mushroom slices, cheese, and a very large potato. after assembling all the ingredients on the island counter in the middle of the room, he cuts the potato in half and squishes each half until it’s nearly flat. he cuts the broccoli and mushrooms into small pieces and puts them atop each potato half along with the cheese. watching him, i’m sure he’s going to fold the potato halves in half and cook each one just like you would an omelette, with the skin on the outside. it’s not a bad idea, and i’m surprised i’ve never seen anyone do it before. these eggless potato omelettes are sounding really good until he looks up from the counter, smiles at me, and says, “can you do me a favor?”
“sure,” i say, standing up and coming over to help.
“can you go get me the big lebowski?”
i’m a little confused by this request. “mm-hmm,” i say, going up the steps to the living room. i find his video collection easily enough. it’s huge; tapes are stacked everywhere at all angles around the television. looking through the titles, i notice that they’re mostly dumb action flicks, and am disappointed. i’d thought he had better taste. i grab the big lebowski from the shelf, and then he calls to me from the kitchen. “ooh, and can you bring me the first fifteen minutes of predator and any part you want of die hard?”
what? how am i supposed to bring him only fifteen minutes of a movie? i’ve never even seen die hard; how can i choose one part of it to take back to the kitchen? wait a minute! he wants me to open the plastic cases and rip off parts of the tape so that he can melt them down and put them in the omelettes! do i really want an eggless potato omelette starring a molten arnold schwarzenegger? i don’t think so! this aggression will not stand!
the alarm goes off. i wake up, and immediately i look over at him and laugh. he has no idea why.