i’m spending a week in london and then four days at sxsw, so i won’t be updating too much between now and march 13. be good, okay?
Archive for February, 2002
i’ve been feeling alienated from this site for awhile now. i’m not sure why. maybe it’s because i’ve been busy with other things and people and places and i haven’t really had time to do a lot with it. maybe it’s because nothing worth writing has really grabbed me in the past few days. maybe it’s because i’m supposed to be writing something else. maybe i’ve been doing this for too long.
perhaps, then, it’s good that i’ll be gone almost two weeks. i’ll regroup. i’ll go to london and see friends. i’ll go to cambridge and see other friends. i’ll go to austin and see still other friends. i’ll play kickball and do 20×2. i’ll drink a lot, eat junk food and spend too much money. it’s going to be good.
wish me luck. i’ll miss you, a little.
there’s a screeching sound as the tree branches scrape against the window outside, malicious, as though the branches are molesting the glass and the glass is crying for help. there’s nothing i can do to help, though. it’s cold outside and i’m in my underwear. i can’t be a hero, today.
be careful, love.
it’s hard taking care of a two-year-old.
sometimes i don’t want to deal with it. i want to leave it there and go out drinking or go shopping or see friends or ride bikes in the cemetery. i want to sit on the couch and read or watch tv and not think at all about this thing that needs me to keep it alive.
sometimes i don’t know what to do with it next. it’s frustrating when i’ve done everything i could think of to keep it going, to keep it happy, and then i can’t think of anything else. i feel like i’m not good enough for it.
sometimes i think that it’s not good enough for me.
sometimes it bores me.
sometimes it breaks and i don’t know how to fix it.
sometimes it upsets people i love, even though i don’t mean for it to. i don’t know what to do when that happens, when something i’ve created has hurt someone important to me. it hurts me, too.
this two-year-old, however, has outlasted hair colors and friendships, jobs and boyfriends. i no longer date the guy who made me watch the boxing match. i don’t know what happened to the marble. my hair isn’t blue anymore. you and i are no longer close. i stopped going to the poetry slams. guess the dictator and/or sitcom character now thinks i’m luann from king of the hill instead of kate from the drew carey show. i don’t go out with you anymore, but the ticket stub from unbreakable still sits in the butter compartment of my refrigerator. i miss phil.
i still rearrange the furniture. i still hate the sun. i am no longer a rock or an island, but i’m not sure i ever was.
happy birthday, bluishorange.
i think 1955 biff has to be my favorite biff. “now why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here?”
