earlier i started to write about the fact that all day i’ve felt as though there was a smaller version of me inside the actual me, fighting hard to get out of my skin. i’ve been tense and jumpy and desperate, angry, in a way, and filled with what i can only describe as awful nervous energy. rob, veronica, jonathan and i went to slyders, a terrible dark bar with pool tables and earsplitting techno music. the ugliness of militant beats and the forcible smacking of cue into solids and stripes were fitting outlets but at the same time set me off, at which point i wished i’d worn all black and could go outside and run down westheimer until i exploded into some sort of panting fireball on the pavement. rob and i left early and walked outside, where i kicked black roots of a tree, punched rob in the arm repeatedly (it was his idea), and then screamed once we got in the car.
but now i am calmer, i think. i’m very warm here in front of the monitor glow, wrapped in all the blankets from my bed, drinking red wine. even if not everything will be okay, i’m sure that probably something will.