bluishorange

time is speeding up, and all of a sudden, it’s christmas day. ridiculous church services and grasshopper drinks in the family room and discussions of children’s books and listening to a tape of myself at the age of four, reading little red riding hood.

it was all downhill from there.

what’s funny is that this year seems like someone else’s christmas. i’m here in my apartment, listening to some non-christmas sleater-kinney, wearing a decidedly non-christmas tank top, packing for a non-christmas trip to boston. oh, and it’s raining.

i mean, sure, there’s plenty of christmas stuff going on around here. there are parties and gifts and music and wine and wrapping paper-ball fights and friends and well-wishings, but it feels as though it’s not actually happening. for me holidays are never very real, they’re more like fun improv comedy sketches done by an acting troupe i’ve been a member of for years. which is probably better than most people have it, to be sure.

it should be noted here that if this seems a bit disjointed, it’s because i am writing this intermittently, in between trips to the dryer and closet and stereo and suitcase, watering plants and washing dishes and throwing my various belongings around. oh, and worrying.

worrying. you should know that worrying is a thing that i do almost all the time, somewhere in the background of thoughts, like a stock ticker in a brokerage house. i worry about my health and school and money and friends and how things are going to go and what will happen in each possible how-things-go scenario and what may happen after that. it branches out that way for step after step after step, stretching out like an infinite blanket of nerve endings. it’s not usually very intrusive, though, because as i said before it’s mostly in the back of my head and i can generally ignore it, like a jukebox in a bar. but it is always there, and the last thing that ryan said to me on the phone today was, “hey, have a good time, okay? don’t worry too much.”

right. merry christmas.

what i don’t like about my apartment is the fact that there’s only one water heater for my entire building. so every time i’m in the shower and one of the nineteen other people here flushes the toilet, i get scalded. it really sucks because when flushing occurs, the water is unbearably hot for at least a few full minutes, and all i can do is cower in one corner and wait, covered in shampoo.  hmm.

the other apartment thing that is weird is that the washer and dryer are right next to this huge open vent in the hallway. so since it’s cold out today (sort of), when i took my clothes out of the washer they were like ice. but i love my apartment otherwise.  you should see it.  right.

also, have i told you how excited i am about seeing shadow of the vampire? well, i am. i am very, very excited, especially since it’s got john malkovich in it. the official site is totally hideous, and not hideous in a good creepy-vampire sort of way, but hideous in an ugly-navigational-nightmare sort of way. i am consoled only by the fact that i will get to see it before phil.  ha!  i miss phil.

usually i have long fingernails, but right now i’m cutting them all off. i’m not sure why i’m doing that, exactly, except that it’s making my hands look smaller and childlike, which is kind of cool. also they look way more bourgeoisie, more like i do stuff. which i don’t, actually. do stuff, that is.

so, badly drawn boy is everywhere these days. entertainment weekly stated that, in their humble opinion, the hour of bewilderbeast was the seventh best album this year, sandwiched right between some silly rap and some johnny cash. “the shining” is in a completely ridiculous gap commercial which would be horribly disappointing if not for the fact that a gap commercial is how i found rufus wainwright, so i can’t complain too much. anyway, in honor of the recent proliferation of badly drawn boy, here’s an mp3, entitled “camping next to water.”  rock.

oh, honey. john ashcroft is attorney general. richard ashcroft was in the verve. it’s okay, i did the same thing. and richard ashcroft as attorney general would be much more fun.

i don’t see how i can possibly wait three more days.